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The Meaning Of Friendship
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, and the reason is, I’ve been real busy finishing off a script, and because I’ve been Tweeting. But having all this time to think, I couldn’t help but laugh at one of my true stories of youth, and felt it was time to share.
I hear all kinds of ditties about what constitutes friendship. I’ve heard the one about how a “true friend” will help you dispose of the body, etc. While that may be true, it’s really, really unlikely that it will ever come up in your life experiences. I, however, have a story which might happen to anyone and, hopefully, you’ll do just as I did some 20+ years ago.
My best friend John and I decided to drive cross-country from Chicago to Los Angeles for a little vacation. It wasn’t really a vacation…we had this wild idea to try out for Wheel Of Fortune, and figured we’d put in a little R&R while there. I had a 1985, two-seat, mid-engine, MR2, which, for a long-ass drive, was only slightly better than taking turns pulling a rickshaw. Anyway, we made excellent time, and decided to stop in, of all places, Flagstaff, AZ to party and bed down for the night. It was the middle of March, and while the rest of Arizona was enjoying 75-80 degree weather, Flagstaff was cold as shit, and still had plenty of snow on the ground. We found a cheap motel with two double-beds, and set off to see how the town partied. Well, Flagstaff sure knew what it was doing. John and I drank, pretty heavily, and I picked up a local woman with seemingly no moral padlocks whatsoever. She had a tattoo near her groin, and plenty of alcohol in her, so she met my minimum standards. There was only one problem. John and I were such cut-ups that I knew he couldn’t be in the bed next to me, or I’d spend the whole night laughing instead of playing “locate the labia”.
The solution to me was obvious. I’d take this little trampolina to the room, while John slept outside. Surprisingly, John didn’t put up much of an argument. So, for the next half hour I had my way, while John sat outside in a car with seats that didn’t recline, the lightest of jackets, and a dusting of snow falling all around him, as the snot froze in his mustache. Picture John Candy in Planes, Trains, & Automobiles.
I must admit I felt a little guilty. After all, John and I had split the cost of the room. So, once I was done I walked to the door, looked out, and motioned for John to come back in. I also gave John a sign that it was “his turn”. John immediately jumped into his bed, and I told the girl, “Hey, show John your tattoo”. She stumbled from the bed, and stood naked in front of John, so he could get a good look. John was sharp enough to know a green light when he saw one, and grabbed her hips, pulling her to the bed.
Now, I know this doesn’t sound like such a great friendship story so far, but here’s the friend part. Behind Flagstaff’s finest I was doing my best Marcel Marceau, trying to let John know, not to kiss her. You see, only moments before, I had decorated her uvula, and decided John had suffered enough for one night. I must have pantomimed some kind of puckering motion, wildly pointing to my mouth and waving “no”. Then, as if this acting wouldn’t get me that Emmy, I held the back of my own head, while bobbing up and down, mouth agape like a striped bass proudly mounted on a wall. Whatever I did worked, for when she went to kiss him, John performed a reversal that would have made Brock Lesnar proud. He had his way with her, I got some much needed alcohol sleep/coma, and most importantly, the woman slept in John’s bed.
The next morning she rose and went on her merry way. She didn’t want our phone numbers, didn’t want us to stop on the way back, it was perfect. And John and I continued on to LA for our wonderful adventure. During that trip we also ventured down to Tijuana, but that’s another story…
Dog Behavior
While sipping my morning Starbucks, I took notice of a little yorkie being approached by a humongous great dane. The dane was thrilled to see such a little dog. His tail was wagging fast enough to create a nice breeze on me, fifteen feet away. Now, the dane probably weighed in at about 80 pounds or so, and the yorkie about 3, but I was fascinated at how happy the great dane was, just to see another of his species. I gave it about a half a beat’s thought, and figured out that must be a “dog” thing. I mean, if I was just wandering around an empty shopping mall, I don’t think I’d be all that thrilled if I came across a midget. I guess for dogs, size really doesn’t matter.
Speaking of man’s best friend, one thing I’m really glad we don’t emulate with dogs is how we go to the bathroom. Imagine how long the lines would be in a bar if you sniffed the first urinal, peed in the second one, stopped, then peed in a third one. Then on the way out, stopped for one last splash in the sink. Damn, you’d get to the bar at happy hour, and your next drink would be at “last call”.
I guess on the ot
her hand, dogs are probably thankful they don’t have the guilt that humans have regarding looks and sex. You don’t have two bulldogs at the dog park talking it up…Dog 1: Hey dude, who’s that bowwow I saw you with yesterday? Dog 2: Oh man, it’s nothing serious. She was just in heat, and I decided to throw her some lovin’. Dog 1: Yeah, right. Dude, she looked like a St. Bernard. She pumps out a few homely puppies, and next thing you know, she’ll have your ATM card for the next 12 years. Plus, you know she’ll never lose the litter weight. But I know how it is, the bitches all get better lookin’ at sunset.
And of course, the female dogs would have their conversations too. Dog 1: Oh girl, you can’t back into every pug you see, just because of a few hormones. Dog 2: He’s not just any pug, he’s got a job and everything. Dog 1: Oh yeah? What does he do? Dog 2: He’s an actor. Dog 1: Actor, my blue ribboned ass. What’s he done since Men In Black? He’ll leave you for a poodle, and then where will you be? A single mom with eight kids. You’ll be damn Octopooch.
In The News
The FCC ruled that “jailbreaking”, or, the practice of unlocking a phone so it can be used on another carrier, is legal. Know what that means? Now you can have dropped calls from your iPhone on T-Mobile too!
Amanda Bynes announced via Twitter that she is “unretired”, reversing her decision of June 19th. Apparently with Betty White taking so many gigs, Bynes quickly grew bored in the Retired Actors’ Home without a Wii partner.
A 52 year-old eastern PA woman was cited by police after she allegedly used her 26 year-old son’s toothbrush to clean the bathroom, then put it back in the holder. The woman was arrested for harassment, and the son was arrested for being 26 and still living with his mother. The son quickly posted bail, and declined comment when approached at Comic-Con.
In an effort to gain more control over inventory, Wal-Mart announced it would start putting “smart tags” on items such as mens clothing. Initial enthusiasm ebbed when it was also announced that the smart tags wouldn’t do shit if applied to the typical Wal-Mart customer.
Sense Networks hired former Nielsen Company Senior VP David Petersen as their new CEO. While addressing shareholders, Petersen stated that 42% of men 18-34 years of age working at Sense, approved the hire. The other 58% of the men missed the poll entirely, as they were sexting their girlfriends.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez threatened to cut off oil sales to the U.S. if U.S.-ally Colombia attacks over rumors that Venezuela provides haven to Colombian rebels. Not wanting to risk an all-out attack from angry Americans, Chavez also announced that illegal drug shipments to the U.S. would continue unabated.
In Arizona, illegal immigrants have threatened to march against the enforcement of SB1070, the controversial new law scheduled to take effect Thursday the 29th. In an effort to ease tensions, Governor Jan Brewer assisted in the organization of the march. It will now start along the U.S.-Mexico border, and continue ten feet backward.
http://stfushow.com