Homeless Hair

Question for God: How come pubes never get split ends?

Traditionally I have worn my hair closely cropped (think of a tennis ball after about 10-12 sets) or completely bald. Of course this wasn’t by choice. I believe it was Karma repaying me for succumbing to a most ridiculous fashion trend; getting a tight, white-guy perm in the early 80’s.

The perm: A decision so bad that only 1 blurred Polaroid exists from that horrible era. The Amish beard didn’t help, but boy could I raise a barn!

The goal was a super cool Lionel Richie post-Commodores, perfectly shaped afro. What I got was…oh fuck it. Just look at the goddamn picture. Note: I inserted the Wooly Willy photo as a joke, but scrolling back and forth between Willy and my own picture, there is a damn close resemblance, especially when factoring in the “hey everyone, I’m 19 and can grow a beard!” look. 

What I THOUGHT a perm would look like (Lionel Richie), and how it actually turned out. I was a bottle of Old Seaweed away from being Wooly Willy, complete with red nose.

When I hit 50 I finally gave in to the inevitable…my days of cleaning a brush were over. I never really adopted the complete baldness, mostly because I didn’t want to spend 20 minutes shaving my head every other day. So Wimbledon Head became my look. I could go anywhere from 2 weeks to a month, and then 5 minutes with the clippers and I was good to go. Every now and again I’d go a few months without clipping, just to see if my skull had a sudden hormonal surge. It never had. After about 2 months I’d look in the mirror and it’d hit me. “Oh, THAT’S why I shave my head; because I look like an idiot with these patches. Now I get it!” Instead of saying, “Ya know, I think I’ll grow my hair out”, I might as well be saying, “Ya know, I think I’ll grow my dick longer”. The latter has a better chance than the former.

Hair today: Oh, the poor birds fell out of the nest before it was finished! Wonder where they went?

In my current situation I don’t have much choice. The clippers are in storage, safe for now unless they become part of the upcoming auction. A $10 haircut is out of the question, as it is for anyone homeless. There’s always the person who sidles by and offers you a free haircut, but that’s not advised unless you’re a huge Moe Howard fan (anyone under 40 you’ll need to Google him). So now you know why so many homeless have long to hippie-long hair. It’s also why we’re overly fond of hats.


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