Translator
 |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |
 |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |
 |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |
 |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |
 |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |
 |  |  | ||||||
March 17-It’s Been A While
Okay, so it’s been 8 months since my last post. Lay off the left nut, I’ve been busy! So, let’s do a little catching up. First the STFU podcast is doing great! jessica drake and I completed our 100th episode and we’re working out the final details to some exciting new stuff coming your way. Just before our 100th, I suddenly lost my Dad, due to a combination of bad luck and horrible medical advice. Don’t worry, to quote Johnny Cochran, “Revenge is a dish best served with a malpractice suit”. Although I was able to record pretty quickly after the funeral, inside I was a wreck. All I knew was that my father was a guy I never heard one single bad word about from anyone, and he deserved a better fate than his doctor gave him. If I can find enough “funny” things to throw into a full rant, I’ll expound on this later.
The bottom line on writing a blog is that you have to force yourself to do it regularly, which I’ve set as a 2012 resolution I normally wait until the end of the first quarter to make resolutions. That way, if the bar is set too high, I can simply ignore them until next year, and announce something more attainable. So (starting NOW), I’ll post at least twice a week.
Let’s move on to our most recent STFU Show topic, which got me in all kinds of trouble with jessica…the thrusting of fat women into our psyches as sexy women. Fat isn’t sexy, period. Dimpled, cellulite-ridden asses/legs looks horrible. A muffin-t0p midsection with low-cut jeans looks ridiculous. And last I looked, there was no successful chain of stores known as Weight Gainers. But for people over 35, we can remember when it wasn’t the norm to be 25 pounds overweight. I looked through my high school yearbook a few days ago. There were maybe 20% of my senior class who needed to lose ten pounds or less. Everyone else was either in the “fit”, “slender”, or “above average” categories. Why? Because we exercised you morons! We didn’t have a Wii. Instead of doing a half-assed kicking motion in front of our TVs, we actually had to run down a field, get to the ball, and coordinate our bodies to make a kick. We also didn’t have fast-food restaurants offering to “biggie size” our fucking meals. Small, medium, or large; those were the choices, and most of the time, the large was too much to eat. Now the biggie size fries would feed a small Angolan village. I don’t blame the restaurants; it’s getting goddamned competitive out there. The blame is no further than the mirror. Parents: take 20 minutes and cook your kid a fucking meal with a little nutrition in it. Then, send the kids outside to play for an hour. Oh sure, we might lose a few kids to the occasional pedophile, but you can’t please the Volcano Gods and have a good crop without tossing in a virgin or two.
All I’m saying is that, when the country has an obesity rate that is skyrocketing, you’re not doing the kids any favors by lowering the bar. After World War II, where would Japan be if they said, “Hey, let’s just grow rice and build rickshaws. We’re pretty good at that”? Let’s just say they wouldn’t have dominated cars and outrageous game shows if they had. We need to stop coddling kids. Every goddamned day I see parents buying 700 calorie mocha frappacinos for their 10 year-old kids at Starbucks. Great idea, Mom. Get your kid hooked on a $5 drink which will produce more diabetes than a Bosco giveaway (sorry for throwing you under the bus Bosco…I was short on time). Fat is unhealthy. It leads to higher medical costs, and is damn sure to shorten lifespans. And fat people, listen up. Just because you have some horny nimrod whose willing to call you to come over and fuck at 4 am, doesn’t mean you’re sexy, and no amount of you shouting it above the din of the buffet is going to make it so. Get your lard-azz to the gym, and push away the second and third helpings. You are not a sex symbol. Perhaps, you might have a single aspect of yourself which may be attractive, but it sure as shit isn’t your physique.
Is It REALLY So Hard To Be A Celebrity?
As you probably know, I, along with the incredible jessica drake, have been doing a little comedy/talk podcast called the STFU Show, for about 2 months now. It’s definitely a fledgling, grassroots effort at this point, relying on listeners’ word of mouth to gain the hits and downloads that we need to keep the show going by signing up advertisers. Which brings me to the great social network…Twitter. jessica and I (lacomedywriter) both have accounts, along with one specifically for the show. I’m very choosy about who I follow on Twitter; a few friends so I can exchange direct msgs. I also follow some very clever comedic minds such as Jimmy Kimmel, Kevin Smith, and Adam Carolla, along with a couple of guilty pleasures such as Jillian Barberie Reynolds of Good Day LA.
I’ve specifically tweeted a few celebs, asking them to give our show a listen, and perhaps a shout-out, to bolster the numbers. Fuck me raw, you’d think I was requesting a kidney, for not a single time, has any celebrity seen fit to give a mention of the show. These are celebs (not necessarily those mentioned above) who tweet every time they take a shit, as if we give one, by the way; Some of them follow either jessica or myself, yet can’t be troubled for the 20 seconds it takes to let their precious followers know there’s something new and halfway decent out there. Yet, they’ll ask us to watch the most boring of YouTube videos, read their reviews, comment positively about them, and so on, ad nauseum. Meanwhile, you have someone like jessica, who volunteers maybe 20% of her free time to causes she really has no reason to care about. She walks for breast cancer and AIDS, yet (last time I stared at her body) has neither ailment. She’s building things all over the world for the underprivileged, in countries where a clean glass of water is treated like Microsoft stock. And I’ve seen her re-tweet many, many times, when an event needs to be delivered to the masses. I think, there’s WAY too many celebrities out there who conveniently forget that, somewhere along the line, in spite of massive amounts of hard work, they still needed a break from someone to be noticed…whether it was a chance to get up on stage, or a happenstance meeting with another celebrity who gave them a chance. And for some reason still unknown to me, there’s a certain unwillingness to pay it forward.
Now, do I compare the STFU Show to a kid in Cambodia who eats bamboo shoots three times a day? Not at all. We’re just a couple of idiots doing an Internet radio show, but I do think we entertain quite a few listeners all over the world (the stats and reviews say so). And if we can get some truck driver through his day a little easier, or some college listener in India who is trying to gain a little insight to America, to laugh, then we’ve done our jobs. I do know there’s a certain segment of celebrity Twitter accounts which are maintained by staffers, assistants, etc. Those are fairly easy to spot and I won’t follow them. The accounts which are truly tweeted by the real stars are the ones I reach out to. Even some of the porn stars, who have mentioned to both jessica and myself, that they really enjoy the show, don’t put the word out to their fans. Porn stars in particular, I would think, have a vested interest in this doing well, for it might open a door for them to do something similar in the future. That being said…if anyone doesn’t like the show, we expect nothing. I wouldn’t endorse anything I didn’t enjoy either. You won’t see me tweeting about the greatness of Real Housewives Of (fill in city here), or Pawn Stars, or any other worthless reality show. I understand, believe me.
We (jessica and I) have discussed this. It’s both puzzling and aggravating at the same time. jessica has told me of numerous “stars” who have really put the heavy hit on her (i.e. they want to fuck the shit out of her, regardless of marital status), and it’s not my job to “out” them in this forum. But, how dare they try to schmooze someone like jd, trying to get in her pants, or a quick blowjob, yet can’t even take the time to recommend our little show. Again, it’s 20 seconds out of their day, and costs them absolutely nothing, except the feeling that maybe, for once in their pathetic lives, they do a little good for someone else, for no real reason. I really wonder how many of these “celebrities”, wake up in the morning, and feel 1/10 as good about themselves as jessica drake does every day?
Stop With “Caylee’s Law” And Other Bullshit Legislation!
I know, the title seems a little callous, but just as with any other high-profile case, you can always count on some politician to try and score a few sympathy points with the voters be introducing a needless law. In this case, please stand up OK state Rep Paul Wesselhoft. This proposed legislation is nothing more than a political ploy, and frankly, I’m a tad fucking sick of it.
It’s not that I’m unsympathetic to what happened to Caylee Anthony, but do we really need yet another law for such an isolated occurrence? 99.99% of parents would have called authorities immediately, and to now clog up the legislature because Florida couldn’t convict one horrible parent, is doing nothing but ringing the emotional dinner bell. There are already enough “bad parenting” laws on the books. If we’re going to enact a new law every time a criminal goes free, then why not make it a crime for possession of a ski mask after Memorial Day? Gee, if only THAT had been on the books we could have REALLY nailed OJ. Maybe make it a crime to drive your car into a lake while your kids are harnessed in the back seat…wow, that’ll fix the Susan Smiths of the world. Trouble is, we already have a pretty good law in place which covers that scenario…it’s called murder you worthless fucks! Fuck me raw with a rusty crowbar; somebody please DO SOMETHING ABOUT OUR COUNTRY!
Look, here’s the deal lawmakers…FIX THE FUCKING ECONOMY ALREADY! Anything else you do is nothing more than a goddamned distraction, to keep voters from noticing that you haven’t a fucking clue as to what you’re doing. No more texting while driving laws, no Caylee’s law, no more laws which keep voters from realizing that your state is deeper underwater than Osama bin Laden, ok? This is the main reason why people like Michelle Bachman and her ilk can’t lead the country; I don’t want any more sound bites. I don’t want to hear “let’s take our country back”, unless you have a sound plan to back it up. Otherwise, you’re just bitching like the idiots who stand on the bitching stump in England. I want the smartest people to get together and come up with a plan to fix things. Everyone else should get the fuck out of the way.
http://stfushow.com