Bumming Smokes And Other Nonsense

I smoke. It’s perhaps my only remaining vice. I don’t really count swearing as a vice, and who the fuck does anyway? I digress. Invariably I’m asked 6-10 times per day for a cigarette, and I always shake my head “no”. Cigs are up to $11/pack in CA, and if I’m giving one to every guy who asks, I’ll never make my daily nut, because I’m spending an extra $11 on a second pack of smokes.

Here’s what I noticed about people who are asked for a cigarette. They already know whether or not they have smokes on them, but still they’ll fumble around their pockets before finally answering, “Sorry, I don’t”. The re-enactment rivals anything done by Ben Affleck or anyone else, and it’s almost as if there was an Oscar at stake. “The Academy Award For Searching Your Pockets While Pretending To Look For A Cigarette You Know Goddamn Well You Aren’t Going To Give In A Dramatic Role goes to…..opens envelope and pauses…Jim!” Along those same lines I like the guy who is bumming the smoke who, after getting denied, challenges the other guy because he noticed a pocket wasn’t searched. “Oh yeah? Well how about THAT pocket!” I can’t see that move achieving the desired result. Ever. In all of history.

The other day there was a young couple coming up to Jack In The Box. She was on foot, he on a skateboard. She went inside to use the bathroom and burn a mule (she was in there awhile). He stayed outside and of course, asked me if I had an extra cigarette. I gave my standard “no” and went inside to order. While waiting for my food I watched this guy, and the fucker lit a cigarette! Nobody else had gone up to him, meaning he had one the entire time, yet chose to try to get one from me. That’s the sort of stunt which pisses me off. So now I can only assume there’s a certain element of society who will hit up anyone smoking a cigarette, regardless of how many they already have. I think it’s the ultimate in selfishness. What if I had given him one, and then didn’t have one for someone truly in need later on? If Rob Reiner realized the error of his ways and started smoking, and tried to bum a smoke but I’m out because this asshole bummed my last one. And now I’ve gone and pissed off Rob Reiner. Thanks ya selfish skateboarding prick! I don’t know if there’s a homeless code, but if there is, this douchetube broke it.

By the way, Douchetube is the world’s most horrible video streaming site. But I digress…


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