LA Comedy Writer

While sipping my morning Starbucks, I took notice of a little yorkie being approached by a humongous great dane. The dane was thrilled to see such a little dog. His tail was wagging fast enough to create a nice breeze on me, fifteen feet away. Now, the dane probably weighed in at about 80 pounds or so, and the yorkie about 3, but I was fascinated at how happy the great dane was, just to see another of his species. I gave it about a half a beat’s thought, and figured out that must be a “dog” thing. I mean, if I was just wandering around an empty shopping mall, I don’t think I’d be all that thrilled if I came across a midget. I guess for dogs, size really doesn’t matter.

Speaking of man’s best friend, one thing I’m really glad we don’t emulate with dogs is how we go to the bathroom. Imagine how long the lines would be in a bar if you sniffed the first urinal, peed in the second one, stopped, then peed in a third one. Then on the way out, stopped for one last splash in the sink. Damn, you’d get to the bar at happy hour, and your next drink would be at “last call”.

I guess on the other hand, dogs are probably thankful they don’t have the guilt that humans have regarding looks and sex. You don’t have two bulldogs at the dog park talking it up…Dog 1: Hey dude, who’s that bowwow I saw you with yesterday? Dog 2: Oh man, it’s nothing serious. She was just in heat, and I decided to throw her some lovin’. Dog 1: Yeah, right. Dude, she looked like a St. Bernard. She pumps out a few homely puppies, and next thing you know, she’ll have your ATM card for the next 12 years. Plus, you know she’ll never lose the litter weight. But I know how it is, the bitches all get better lookin’ at sunset.

And of course, the female dogs would have their conversations too. Dog 1: Oh girl, you can’t back into every pug you see, just because of a few hormones. Dog 2: He’s not just any pug, he’s got a job and everything. Dog 1: Oh yeah? What does he do? Dog 2: He’s an actor. Dog 1: Actor, my blue ribboned ass. What’s he done since Men In Black? He’ll leave you for a poodle, and then where will you be? A single mom with eight kids. You’ll be damn Octopooch.