LA Comedy Writer

Ringo Starr turns 70 today? Just the thought will make some peoples’ bones ache. How could a Beatle be 70? Ringo always was the carefree Beatle, seemingly happy to just be along for the ride. And why not? He wasn’t the original choice. Way back when, there was a guy named Pete Best who provided the back beat for the earliest of the Lennon/McCartney tunes. Eventually, it was decided that Pete had to go. Apparently, the Best man didn’t win. Debate has raged on for almost fifty years as to why Best was cast aside for Ringo (playing with another band at the time). The official version is that Ringo was a more “professional” drummer, and necessary for the fledgling band to go forward. According to Best though, John Lennon was jealous of Best’s looks, and the fact that Best was drawing more attention from the ladies.

Either way, Best not only got the short end of the stick, but had it stuck firmly in his rectum (Rectum? It damn near KILLED him! …old joke, sorry). Best continued on with an unspectacular career, while The Beatles became the biggest selling act of all time. Reportedly, each of The Beatles makes in excess of $10 million per year in royalties, merchandising, and other fees. Meanwhile, the ultra successful show Love, a tribute to The Beatles, plays to sold-out crowds night after night at the Mirage. The tribute to Pete Best, titled The Beatles Can Fuck Themselves, plays to a handful of degenerates at the El Cortez.

It wasn’t all bad for Mr. Best. He tried to capitalize on his brief Beatles fame by recording/releasing songs on the defunct Prune label, eerily similar to Beatles standards. During his sexual years he recorded two songs: Help, My Nuts Are On Fire!, and Lucy In My Bed With Herpes (#898 on the British charts). Later, he had a failed cartoon effort with Yellow Snow. In 1972 he had a string of legal run-ins, and chronicled them with Hey Judge. His final shot at making it on his own was with The Ballad Of Woody And Soon-Yi, and the closest thing he ever had to a hit, Let It Simmer, which was a finalist for the theme to Rachel Ray’s show. It seems poor Pete just couldn’t catch a break. With that in mind, I think it’s only fair that somehow the remaining Beatles should kick down a little of that $10 mil per year. Not enough to make him rich, just enough to keep the heat turned on. After all, with just a hint of luck (or a pockmarked face), Best could have been the one on the Ed Sullivan Show, and smoking hashish with the Maharishi. Instead, he splits a bottle of ripple with a homeless bloke named Ollie. Nearly fifty years later, it’s time to show Pete Best some love.