LA Comedy Writer

The other day I was listening to a podcast (supposedly humorous), where some blowhard was going on about the Leno/O’Brian/NBC debacle. This comedy midget was farting his opinion that Conan O’Brian should continue on with The Tonight Show, and Jay Leno should basically ride off into the sunset. His reasoning?

1. Conan, like David Letterman, is trying “new” things, where Leno is not.

2. Leno doesn’t cash his NBC checks.

3. Leno is older and has had his shot, whereas Conan hasn’t.

So after listening to this mindless drivel for a couple of minutes, I had to know whose opinion was so off base. It turns out that it’s Patton Oswalt. My first question was…who the fuck is Patton Oswalt? After a little research, I found him. He has a website, pattonoswalt.com (horribly done btw), he wrote a movie titled “Big Fan” which grossed an incredible 233K (U.S.), and he appeared on The King Of Queens for a number of years. Let me say that, I give a little slack to someone’s opinion, misguided as it may be, if they’re funny. For instance, I’m a big admirer of Adam Carolla, who has one of the sharpest minds on the planet. I disagree with a couple of his viewpoints, but goddamn, the guy is fucking hilarious, so…”right this way Mr. Carolla. How about a table up front?”

But from what I’ve been able to ascertain, Oswalt isn’t funny (I even watched two videos from his own website…blah), so, he has to wait in line like everyone else. And, by the way, he’s dead fucking wrong on the late night debate. Here’s why:

Premise #1 Conan is trying new things. So fucking what? The ratings for The Tonight Show are down, period. When Leno had the show, he regularly topped The Late Show, and that is no longer the case. O’Brian argues that he’s only had seven months at the helm. What jobs do you know of where, if you haven’t performed up to snuff after seven months, you get additional time? While Conan may be trying things, his humor/personality, which is far from mainstream, just didn’t play at 11:30. And, so what if he moved his family from NY to LA? There are no guarantees in life. I was once “laid off” (translation: fired) a week before Christmas. Man the fuck up, and go back to 12:30. Do your show from New York or LA, it doesn’t fucking matter. Oh, and by the way Patton ‘ol boy, I’m going to try and jack off at the corner of Sunset and Highland without getting arrested. I may not be successful, but can I have the 11:30 slot? Moron!

The country has spoken here, and there’s a certain comfort level with viewers. What they’ve said is, we prefer Leno at 11:30, and Conan at 12:30. Now, Conan O’Brian has said this isn’t about money. Well, if it isn’t about money, then it must be about ego. If Conan’s ego says that he can skip over to Fox, and take on Letterman and Leno, then good for him (bad for Fox, but good for him). Why anyone thinks he can beat two legends when he couldn’t beat one, is beyond me, but, off you go ya goofy Irishman.

Premise #2 Who is Oswalt to give a smooth rat’s ass what Leno does with his money? Listen to anyone around Hollywood, and you’ll hear how often Jay Leno does charity work without blinking. This argument is so absurd that it’s not even worth going forward.

Premise #3 Since Leno is older, he should step aside and give Conan his shot. Listen closely you double-chinned poser: Conan had seven fucking months! How much of a “shot” does he get? His show is nowhere near the class of Letterman. He won’t beat Letterman ever! Not in this lifetime, or any other! Meanwhile, NBC had to make a decision. Leno was a proven late night commodity. It’s like the old saying, “The proof of the pudding is in the taste.” While we’re at it, the REAL culprit here is NBC. They set this up all wrong. What they should have told Conan in the beginning was, “Hey, we’re going to take a chance on this Leno thing in prime time. You’ll get The Tonight Show, but if it doesn’t work out, it all goes back to what has been successful for all these years. Sign here, and here’s a shitload of money Mr. O’Brian.”  And lastly, O’Brian is 46 and Leno is 59 (Letterman 62). Wow! Better get that “spring chicken” in there before all the old dudes fuck everything up! And by the way, Oswalt vomitted his opinions the day he was supposed to be on Leno’s show. Patton Oswalt is a douchebag.

Now onto the Big Mac debate…Mark McGuire admitted using steroids for a number of years (the “whirling wind sound” was the nation gasping in surprise all at once). Yet, even now, he can’t step up and say he did it to improve his performance, stating he only did ‘roids to heal faster from injury. Well, if that’s the case, why did he feel it necessary to include in his “apology” list, the family of Roger Maris (he beat Maris’s 61 home runs for most home runs in a season at the time). And he stared straight ahead to Bob Costas, and stated he thinks he still would have broke the record without the juice. Of course, when he was in his prime (remember the Bash Brothers Canseco and McGuire) with the A’s, he never approached the record, but that’s all just a footnote…an asterisk if you will.

That being said, I believe Mark McGuire should be in the Hall Of Fame. If not, then you also have to remove Gaylord Perry. For non-historians of baseball, Perry had a long career with the Giants, Indians, Rangers, and others, had over 300 wins, a no-hitter, and was a dominant son of a bitch when he took the mound. He also admitted to cheating, and did so while still an active major leaguer! I refer to his autobiography “Me And The Spitter” (1974), where he blatantly says he routinely threw a spitter (applying a substance to a ball so when thrown, it approaches the plate, and rolls off a table, making the hitter look quite foolish). Moreover, he basically said he wasn’t going to change anything, that it was baseball’s task to catch him in the act (which, they never did). So, unless you’re a baseball writer who is a hypocrite of the highest order, if you’re going to keep Big Mac out, then remove Perry also. And while you’re trimming the Hall Of Fame lineup, take out George Brett for his pine tar, Ty Cobb for his sharpened spikes (and racism), and anyone who has ever been caught with a corked bat. In fact, I think there should be a special wing in the Hall Of Fame, sort of their own asterisk, reserved for those who have accomplished great things, but perhaps under less-than-admirable circumstances. Put ‘em in, along with the stories, and let the fans make up their own minds. Quit trying to make a sport which is based solely on money and winning, into this “wholesome” white bread Fantasyland.