LA Comedy Writer

The holiday season is officially upon us. I’ll admit I don’t have a lot of wishes like most people. I’m not envisioning peace on earth, and goodwill to men. No, my wish is simple, though in 25 years I haven’t been able to fulfill this simple request. I want to go one Christmas season without hearing Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer, Jingle Bells with the dogs barking, and the other version of Jingle Bells…the one that is “jazzed up”, and there are constant stoppages, as in: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle………………………all the way. These numbing novelties should have all copies burned in the village square. Every time I hear one of these ditties, I can fell my brain melting, and running out of my ears. I avoid any stores which play anything outside of traditional holiday music. Yet, invariably I’ll be invited to a party where some asshole host will play these songs, usually after an announcement of how incredibly funny they are. I’d rather listen to air raid sirens on my iPod. I actually came close to my wish one year. Back in ’02 I was good until the 23rd of December. Like Charlie Brown eyeballing Lucy and the football, I was skeptical, as my hopes had been dashed numerous times before. Yet, youthful innocence won out, and I believed that just once, I might avoid the last minute yanking of the football from under me. I turned the TV to a traditional Christmas music station, and, fuck me raw, they played “Grandma”. Damn you Lucy!

So now, I’m back to my old self, a realist with cautious optimism. I’ll keep you posted.

I don’t know who saw the New Orleans/New England game last night, but Drew Brees is an absolute stud, and the Saints are without a doubt the best coached team in the NFL right now. All Brees did was throw 5 TDs without an interception, and complete over 75% of his passes. A goddamned stud is what he is. If I owned a horse farm, there would be a bunch of foals running around, all with little birthmarks on their faces. The other thing I noticed is that the Saints weren’t penalized much. Every yard gained by the Pats was hard-earned. And when the Saints made a first down (which they did with frequency), you didn’t see the player jumping up and making an exaggerated “first down” signal. He just flipped the ball to the official, and went back to the huddle. It’s a most refreshing change, and something other NFL showboats might want to emulate. Vince Lombardi is credited with saying that, after you score, “act like you’ve been there before”. And for the idiots who argue that celebrations make the NFL “more exciting”, I would counter that New Orleans put on a pretty exciting show last night without moronic celebrations. And by the way…the great ones: Jim Brown, Walter Payton, Jerry Rice, Barry Sanders, Eric Dickerson, all did it the same way. I guess they weren’t too entertaining to watch. Nah, give me some overpaid prick who scores twice a year and wants the crowd to perform collective fellatio on him.