LA Comedy Writer

A Nigerian man tried to blow up a plane in Detroit. The flight came from Amsterdam, and originated in Lagos. The man’s father, a prominent Nigerian banker, supposedly tried to warn officials in November, that his son had subversive ties. Apparently the man’s father is very sorry about the incident, and has told President Obama that he is willing to give $12,000,000 dollars as a penalty. In fact, the money will be immediately wired to Obama’s B of A account. All the President has to do, is pay the $2,000 transfer fee and send his personal information…

It used to be when motorcycles passed each other on the highway, the riders would signal the other. It was sort of a brotherhood, and the signal was a way of letting you know you were a member. I don’t see that much anymore. What I did see though, was two guys at an intersection. One guy was in a wheelchair, the other (an older man), was on a Hoveround. They were coming from opposite sides of the street, and as they passed one another in the crosswalk, each gave the other a “thumbs up”. It was an unspoken camaraderie between two members of a very exclusive club. It wasn’t Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper, but kind of cute nonetheless.

Brazil finally came to its senses, and let the little 9 year-old go back to his father. As the most developed of all countries in South America, I can’t imagine what the fuck took them so long. According to the kid’s maternal grandmother, the boy didn’t want to return to the U.S. Well, duh! You take me to Carnival when I’m 9, and let me see all those tanned butts running around topless, I wouldn’t be in any rush to come back either. Hmmm, New Jersey or Rio…that’s what I call a stacked deck.

We’re nearing the end of another year, and looking back, it was a year of perplexity. We saw the inauguration of the first black President, yet instead of seeing political parties working toward a better America, the Republicans and Democrats seem to have no intention of cooperating, regardless of the cause’s worthiness. Banks received billions in bailout money, but the record number of foreclosures continues. After a very public battle with cancer, we lost an Angel. We also lost the King Of Pop, with all his transgressions apparently forgotten (I wonder if Roman Polanski will get the same type of send off?). In fact, there were way too many public figures dying to list here. Some will be missed, to others we say “good riddance”.

So, as 2o1o nears, here’s some things I’d like to see next year. If we’re going to reform the health care field, how about something I can fucking understand? Goddamnit, I’m an educated man, and I can’t make heads or tails about what’s happening, and as a writer without insurance, it sure as shit is going to affect me…Sure wish I had a clue what to do if my colon falls out. I’d also like to see a free agent signed by the Cubs have a career year after being acquired. I’d like to see Tiger Woods knock out 18 holes, and none of them have a pubic hair. And lastly, I’d like to see us get out of at least one of the wars we’re involved in. Perhaps the terrorists will finally realize that, for all our internal strife in America, nothing unites us (and pisses us off) like an attack against the U.S. And remember, one day you’ll commit an attack, and we won’t respond with more troops…we might just nuke your little cave, all its inhabitants, and put a Microsoft Customer Service Center in the huge parking lot it creates. You will run out of terrorists before we run out of ammunition. Peace on earth everyone, and have a Happy New Year.